Oh, dear. You’ve really done it, haven’t you? You just fell prey to one of consumerism’s biggest myths — the resealable bag — and now you’re staring at your new purchase, wondering how to get the thing open. What was it? Cheese? Cereal? Doggie treats? Come on, you can confide in me.
Well, no matter what it was, let me tell you a little secret. You are not alone. Those so-called easy-open/easy-close bags? Yeah. They aren’t. And the directions? Ignore them; they encompass only a fraction of the steps you’ll have to take in order to use your product. But I’ll tell you what. I like you, I really do. And so I’ll give you a hand. I’ve been duped, too, after all. I understand. And so, for your tutelage, I will provide sample package directions, followed by the actual steps for opening, and then closing, such bags. Advanced users may wish to skip to steps seven and ten, respectively. Oh, and one more thing, from me to you: next time don’t believe the hype. Okay? No more buying products just because of the package’s ingenious engineering.
What the directions say:
- To open bag, tear along dotted line.
What the directions mean:
- Search in vain for mythological pre-torn notch said to enhance tearing power.
- Give up. Use force in attempt to create notch.
- Bandage bleeding finger.
- Attempt to break into bag with teeth.
- Make appointment with dentist to have chipped tooth repaired.
- Study bag, looking once more for notorious notch or tear strip. NOTE: The red dashed line along the top is not a clue. It is only there to taunt you.
- Use scissors.
- Pull bag open.
- Perform victory dance.
What the directions say:
- To seal bag, press closed.
What the directions mean:
- Clear seal strip of any obstructions, such as product residue, fingers, and air.
- Line up both sides of strip.
- Press strip closed.
- Tug package opening gently to ensure that seal worked.
- Repeat steps 1-4
- Vow not to let a simple plastic bag defeat you.
- Line up both sides of strip.
- In surge of pragmatism (or is it despair?) press along just two inches of strip, so you haven’t wasted energy when seal continues not to function.
- Test to ensure seal.*
- Give up and tape, staple, or clothespin the @&*% thing closed.
*In the unlikely event that the seal works on the smaller section, continue as follows: Finish pressing along strip. Test seal. Realize you forgot to squeeze out all the air. Attempt to open only a small section of strip. Fail. Pick up spilled cheese, cereal, dog treats, etc. Discard. Squeeze air out of bag and begin again from step one above. Repeat as necessary until bag is sealed. NOTE: You may wish to simply skip to step ten.
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Khaki said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 3:20 pm
For me it was Fruit Loops, wait no… it was the bagged cheaper version of fruit loops. Which for some reason had the zip seal thing only across half of the bag, and I liked to eat ‘em dry as snacks, and I couldn’t even fit my hand in the little space…. Not that it mattered much because most times when I would open it I’d end up ripping past the end of the zip part, and then it didn’t even matter if you could get the seal closed again, ‘cuz the other half of the bag was torn open old school style anyway. Sigh… See now, you got me all riled up thinking about it… riled up and kinda jonesing for some fruit loops….
Khaki said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Yes Yes Malt-O-Meal! In my anti-resealable bag frenzy to leave a comment, I hadn’t bothered to check the links, but clearly you know the type of bag I’m talking about…..
J.L. Krueger said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I always jump right to the scissors step in opening and frequently discard the original bag after dumping the contents into a more functional Ziploc bag. Saves the frustration.
My frustration comes from the others in my household who, after mangling bag in their frustration, stuff it wherever not properly sealed…resulting in dried out cheese, tortillas…you name it.
Luckily the dog treats don’t really require “resealing”.
Caryn said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Yeah, Khaki, I’ve had that exact same problem with Malt-o-Meal which is why I HAD to link to them. I also hate when the bag rips wide open, spilling the contents and rendering the bag useless.
J.L., I usually do that, too. When I can find the scissors. (We have maybe eight pairs between the kitchen and the family room, but can I ever find a pair when I need them? Nope.) And I feel your pain on the open bags. Of course, I know I’ve left a bag or two open before, usually because I thought it was closed and learned otherwise when it was way too late.
Larramie said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Who said “Going Green” was easy?
Dru said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 5:21 pm
LMAO. I go straight for the scissors to open and binder clips to seal. In the event that I think I’m stronger, then I’m suffering right there with you.
Liz said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I love your “how to” posts – crack me up every time
Caryn said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 7:35 pm
LOL, Larramie! Very true. And, yes, there are worse things than having to deal with a supposedly easy-to-close bag.
Dru, we have a whole bag full of clothespins in a kitchen cupboard, and they are regularly put to use for those stupid bags.
Thanks, Liz. I’ll have to remember that next time I’m trying to decide what to write about.
emily said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 7:51 pm
oh it is so true!! and how many times have i busted open the bag while trying to open it, and somehow all of its contents exploded onto the floor? oh dear.
Brandy said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 8:37 pm
For some reason I don’t have too many problems with these bags, but Daughter, oh man she can’t open them or close them. Meaning we end up with alot of hard, stale, but at least it’s crunchy cereal. *g*
jd said,
Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 10:03 pm
And that is why Malt-O-Meal bags and “trigger” are very closely tied. They are a trigger for headaches, mental “episodes” , and extremely large messes on my carpet(when children are unattended for more than 3.2 seconds).
The Muse said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 6:26 am
I keep a drawer full of clothes pins. Those seals never work and half the time the seal tears away from the bag an is rendered useless–maybe that just happens to me. For cheese bags, the perforations are rarely in the right spot to even open the bag–scissors are my best friend.
Caryn said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 7:22 am
Emily, that annoys me so much! It’s especially bad with cereal.
Brandy, my husband doesn’t mind stale cereal, so he and I have separate cereal boxes. May be the way to go with your daughter.
LOL, JD! So true! (And, when you put it like that, so funny, too.)
Muse, clothespins are one of my most important kitchen items. I can do without a blender and a food processor if I have to, but I must have clothespins. And, yes, we have lots of pairs of scissors, too.
virginia said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 8:02 am
LOL, too funny! i usually just head straight for the scissors and scotch tape!
Erica Orloff said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 8:10 am
LOL. Last night, I made dumplings for my kids–they came in a resealable bag. Apparently, you need a degree in engineering to figure out how to accomplish that.
E
Alyson Noel said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 9:38 am
Where were you and your list of instructions when I was trying to open my “resealable” package of organic smoked tuna? -OY!
It was recently relocated to a ziplock bag.
We are both much happier now.
Jess R said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 11:33 am
What gets me are the resealable bags for potting soil. Dirt always gets in the plastic zipper tracks, rendering the sealing ability completely null and void. So I’m a roll & clip girl all the way now.
Caryn said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Virginia, alas, it took me a while to figure that out since I was so intrigued by such clever packaging, but now I do that, too. I think I must be a slow learner.
Erica, that’s exactly what I have thought a time or two!
Alyson, I have an entire cupboard stocked with Ziplock bags for just that reason.
Jess, I’ve bought that same soil. I’m sure of it! And it is a pain, isn’t it? If you have even the slightest bit of dirt there then it won’t zip closed.
Conda V. Douglas said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 1:05 pm
This post had me howling–with laughter. So fun to share the frustration. What gets me is when I’m traveling and can’t even get the teeny, tiny bag of pretzels the airline gives you open!
all said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 1:08 pm
hmm…anything I say would likely only make it worse…
Joanne Rendell said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 3:37 pm
resealable bags are one thing…those envelopes that netflicks send their dvds in are even more unfathomable. i’ve managed to rip up two of them already and i’ve only been a member for a month!
Soleil Noir said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I admire your ability to turn something so frustrating into something humorous. When it’s all said and done noone can say you don’t have a good sense of humor.
Caryn said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Conda, I think that’s what I like so much about blogging: it makes everything better when you can share the things that frustrate, amuse, and please you. And I have the same problem with those little packages! More often than not, I end up spilling the contents everywhere.
Allan, quite possibly. Because I’m guessing you are not a victim of such products?
Oh, Joanne, those things are a pain, too! And sometimes they even come pre-mangled by the postal service.
Soleil, I figure *most* anything is worth it if it gives me something to write about, either in a book or on my blog.
Kristi Holl said,
Monday, April 7, 2008 at 6:29 pm
This was too funny! You made me feel so much less incompetent just by sharing your own battles with bags. Thanks!
Brooke Taylor said,
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 6:50 am
I still can’t figure out why my cotton balls need to be sealed for freashness.
Robin said,
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 8:33 am
ROFL! You’ve pegged the fine art of resealable bag skill perfectly! I’m thinking maybe you should write a “how to” manual for those everyday, easy shmeasy, drive you insane consumer purchases.
Caryn said,
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 10:21 am
Kristi, that’s why I share my struggles — it makes me feel better, too, when I know I’m not the only one!
Too true, Brooke! Some of the things packagers do are truly ridiculous.
Thanks, Robin! Glad you liked it. When I’m frustrated with something, I try to find a humorous side. That always helps.
Mary said,
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 12:05 pm
What an entertaining post!
‘Resealable’ cheese packaging is the worst; it NEVER reseals! I resort to putting the whole package inside another plastic bag. Wasteful, and not very green, I know.
But I plan to try the clothes peg.
Jones said,
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Very, very funny. I’m sure everyone can relate.
Ello said,
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 at 6:07 pm
HA! I can so relate! The best thing to do is to cut off the resealable part and empty the whole thing into a ziploc!
bookbabie said,
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 6:43 am
I keep baby ship clips around so I can just cut bags open and clip them shut, case close…or rather bags closed:)
Kathy McIntosh said,
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 2:12 pm
What a hoot! You put into hilarious words what we all experience way too often. I personally take issue with all the new, redesigned plastic bags that are much harder to use. So transferring doesn’t help. Except maybe transferring my rage. Okay, annoyance.
Alyssa Goodnight said,
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I can commiserate, but I can’t say as I’ve ever needed a band-aid after a tussle with a Ziplock. Keep trying.
lainey said,
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 5:51 am
The only thing better than so-called re-sealable bags are containers, which A seal so tight you break nails prying off the lid, or B don’t seal at all so your kids knock them out of the fridge and spray spaghetti sauce all over he kitchen. Grr.
sandi said,
Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I have never once been able to open or close a resealable bag. I just imagined I was incompetent. Now I know. It’s THEM! See the public service you provide, Caryn? Plus, you make us all laugh so hard that tea comes out of our noses. Pure genius!
Caryn said,
Monday, April 14, 2008 at 6:08 am
Thanks, Mary! And I agree with you — cheese packaging is definitely the worst. And I think the Kroger cheese is worst of all.
Thanks, Jones.
Ello, I’ve done that a time or two, though I hate to have to be so wasteful. Sometimes, though, there’s just no choice.
Bookbabie, I do something similar with clothespins. I have a never-ending supply of them in my kitchen.
LOL, on the transferring product/rage! And I’m with you — bags were easier to use before they tried to make them easy!
Ah, Alyssa. You must not be using sharp implements to open those bags, then! Actually, though, it’s not the Ziplocks that result in injury. It’s the bags that cheese and so many other products come in. The ones that are supposed to be easy to use, but really are not.
Lainey! So true! I didn’t think anything could be worse, but those actually are!
Sandi, that’s one thing I really like about blogging: admitting my foibles, only to find that so many others have the same problems! Now we can all be flawed and troubled together.
writtenwyrdd said,
Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Your instructions hit very close to home. Been there, done that, and recently. Clothespins, the old fashioned spring clip variety, do the trick for most problems. Except for Cream of Wheat boxes. Those require devious means and supplies that didn’t come with the box. Tape. Polybag. Tupperware.
Caryn said,
Friday, April 18, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Writtenwyrdd, Oh, I hate those boxes that refuse to stay closed! I think those little cardboard tabs are almost as deceptive as those zip closures on bags.